Subject: For Absent Friends: CHAPTER 10;
The Krab Kwadrille
From: openbook@sirius.com (Blackhawk)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo
Message-ID: <openbook-1010001014050001@ppp-asfm06-106.sirius.net>
BLACKHAWK'S ADVENTURES IN SERVOLAND
Previous chapter: The Mock Cronan's Story
CHAPTER X
The Krab Kwadrille
The Mock Cronan sighed deeply, and drew the back of one flapper across his
eyes. He looked at Blackhawk, and tried to speak, but for a minute or two
sobs choked his voice. 'Same as if he had a Peep in his throat,' said the
Hole: and it set to work shaking him and punching him in the back. At last
the Mock Cronan recovered his voice, and, with tears running down his
cheeks, he went on again:
'You may not have lived much under the Usenet--' ('I haven't,' said
Blackhawk)-- 'and perhaps you were never even introduced to Kermit Krab--'
(Blackhawk began to say 'I once tasted--' but checked himself hastily, and
said 'No, never') '--so you can have no idea what a delightful thing a
Krab Kwadrille is!'
'No, indeed,' said Blackhawk. 'What sort of a dance is it?'
'Why,' said the Hole, 'you first form a troll along the rec.arts.sf.*
hierarchy--'
'Two Trolls!' cried the Mock Cronan. 'Dinosaurs, SMOF's, fanboys, and so
on; then, when you've cleared all the newbies out of the way--'
'That generally takes some time,' interrupted the Hole.
'--you advance twice--'
'Each with a Krab as a partner!' cried the Hole.
'Of course,' the Mock Cronan said: 'advance twice, set to partners--'
'--change Krabs, and flame in same order,' continued the Hole.
'Then, you know,' the Mock Cronan went on, 'you throw the--'
'The Trolls!' shouted the Hole, with a bound into the air.
'--as far out to Usenet as you can--'
'Swim after them!' screamed the Hole.
'Turn a somersault in the froup!' cried the Mock Cronan, capering wildly about.
'Change Krab's again!' yelled the Hole at the top of its voice.
'Back to Servoland again, and that's all the first figure,' said the Mock
Cronan, suddenly dropping his voice; and the two creatures, who had been
jumping about like mad things all this time, sat down again very sadly and
quietly, and looked at Blackhawk.
'It must be a very pretty dance,' said Blackhawk timidly.
'Would you like to see a little of it?' said the Mock Cronan.
'Very much indeed,' said Blackhawk.
'Come, let's try the first figure!' said the Mock Cronan to the Hole. 'We
can do without Krabs, you know. Which of us shall sing?'
'Oh, you sing,' said the Hole. 'I've forgotten the words.'
[Image] Mock Cronan and Hole singing to Blackhawk
So they began solemnly dancing round and round Blackhawk, every now and
then treading on his toes when they passed too close, and waving their
forepaws to mark the time, while the Mock Cronan sang this, very slowly
and sadly:--
"Will you kiss my ebony ass?" said a Scuzz to a snail.
"There's a Fuller close behind us, and he keeps sending me mail.
See how eagerly the WWS and the Porko will advance!
They are waiting on the Usenet--will you come and flame the ass?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you flame my ass?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you flame my ass?"
"You can really have no notion how delightful it will be,
When they take us up and throw us, with the trolls to afb!"
But J. replied "Too much, too far!" and gave a look askance--
Said he thanked the Scuzz kindly, but he would not flame the ass.
Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not flame the ass.
Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not flame the ass.
"What matters it how far we go?" his scaly friend replied.
"There is another bore, you know, upon the other side.
The further off from Wayland, the nearer to Anti-France--
Then turn not pale, beloved snail, but come and flame the ass.
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you flame the ass?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you flame the ass?"'
'Thank you, it's a very interesting dance to watch,' said Blackhawk,
feeling very glad that it was over at last: 'and I do so like that curious
song about the Scuzz!'
[Image] Mock Cronan and Hole demonstrating the Krab Kwadrille to Blackhawk
'Oh, as to the Scuzz,' said the Mock Cronan, 'they--you've seen them, of
course?'
'Yes,' said Blackhawk, 'I've often seen them at therap--' he checked
himself hastily.
'I don't know where Thera may be,' said the Mock Cronan, 'but if you've
seen them so often, of course you know what they're like.'
'I believe so,' Blackhawk replied thoughtfully. 'They have their tails in
their mouths--and they're all over crumbs.'
'You're wrong about the crumbs,' said the Mock Cronan: 'crumbs would be
"crummy", do try to keep up Blackhawk. But they have their tails in their
mouths; and the reason is--' here the Mock Cronan yawned and shut his
eyes.--'Tell him about the reason and all that,' he said to the Hole.
'The reason is,' said the Hole, 'that they would go with the Krabs to the
dance. So they got thrown out to sea. So they had to fall a long way. So
they got their tails fast in their mouths. So they couldn't get them out
again. That's all.'
'Thank you,' said Blackhawk, 'it's very interesting. I never knew so much
about a Scuzz before.'
'I can tell you more than that, if you like,' said the Hole. 'Do you know
why it's called a Scuzz?'
'I never thought about it,' said Blackhawk. 'Why?'
'It shines the "boots" and "shoo's".' the Hole replied very solemnly.
Blackhawk was thoroughly puzzled. 'Shines the boots and shoo's?!' he
repeated in a wondering tone.
'Why, what are your shoes done with?' said the Hole. 'I mean, what makes
them so shiny?'
Blackhawk looked down at them, and considered a little before he gave her
answer. 'They're done with blacking, I believe.'
'Boots and shoo's under the Usenet,' the Hole went on in a deep voice,
'are done with a Scuzzing. Now you know.'
'And what are they made of?' Blackhawk asked in a tone of great curiosity.
'Souls and heels, of course,' the Hole replied rather impatiently: 'any
Taet could have told you that.'
'If I'd been the Scuzz,' said Blackhawk, whose thoughts were still running
on the song, 'I'd have said to the porpoise, "Keep back, please: we don't
want you with us!"'
'They were obliged to have him with them,' the Mock Cronan said: 'no wise
fish would go anywhere without a porpoise.'
'Wouldn't it really?' said Blackhawk in a tone of great surprise.
'Of course not,' said the Mock Cronan: 'why, if a fish came to me, and
told me he was going a journey, I should say "With what porpoise?"'
'Don't you mean "purpose"?' said Blackhawk.
'I mean what I say,' the Mock Cronan replied in an offended tone. And the
Hole added 'Come, let's hear some of your adventures.'
'I could tell you my adventures--beginning from this morning,' said
Blackhawk a little timidly: 'but it's no use going back to yesterday,
because I was a different person then.'
'Explain all that,' said the Mock Cronan.
'No, no! The adventures first,' said the Hole in an impatient tone:
'explanations take such a dreadful time.'
So Blackhawk began telling them his adventures from the time when he first
saw the large telepathic yellow Peep with carnuba wax for eyes, wearing a
waistcoat, running close by him...
He was a little nervous about it just at first, the two creatures got so
close to him, one on each side, and opened their eyes and mouths so very
wide, but he gained courage as he went on. His listeners were perfectly
quiet till he got to the part about him repeating 'You are my close dear
friend Scott, and nothing you have done or will do, will ever change that.
Call me when you feel up to it again,' to the Caterpillar, and the words
all coming different, and then the Mock Cronan drew a long breath, and
said 'That's ,very curious.'
'It's all about as curious as it can be,' said the Hole.
'It all came different!' the Mock Cronan repeated thoughtfully. 'I should
like to hear him try and repeat something now. Tell him to begin.' He
looked at the Hole as if he thought it had some kind of authority over
Blackhawk.
'Stand up and repeat "'Twas the Voice of the Krab,"' said the Hole.
'How the creatures order one about, and make one repeat lessons!' thought
Blackhawk; 'I might as well be at school at once.' However, he got up, and
began to repeat it, but his head was so full of the Krab Kwadrille, that
he hardly knew what he was saying, and the words came very queer indeed:--
''Twas the voice of the Krab; I heard him declare,
"I've baked him too brown, So I'll sugar his hair."
As a duck with its eyelids, so he with his nose
Trashed his bow-tie, his collar, and turns out his toes.'
[Image] Kermit Krab in a roasting pan
When the sands are all dry, he is loaded past buzz,
And will talk in the contemptuous tones of the Scuzz,
But, when the tide rises and sharks are around,
'That's different from what I used to say when I was a child,' said the Hole.
'Well, I never heard it before,' said the Mock Cronan; 'but it sounds
uncommon nonsense.'
Blackhawk said nothing; he had sat down with his face in his hands,
wondering if anything would ever happen in a natural way again.
'I should like to have it explained,' said the Mock Cronan.
'He can't explain it,' said the Hole hastily. 'Go on with the next verse.'
'But about his toes?' the Mock Cronan persisted. 'How could he turn them
out with his nose, you know?'
'It's the first position in dancing.' Blackhawk said; but was dreadfully
puzzled by the whole thing, and longed to change the subject.
'Go on with the next verse,' the Hole repeated impatiently: 'it begins "I
passed by his garden."'
Blackhawk did not dare to disobey, though he felt sure it would all come
wrong, and he went on in a trembling voice:--
'I passed by his garden, and marked, with one eye,
How the Owl and the Panther were sharing a pie--'
The Panther took pie-crust, and gravy, and meat,
While the Owl had the dish as its share of the treat.
When the pie was all finished, the Owl, as a boon,
Was kindly permitted to pocket the spoon:
While the Panther received knife and fork with a growl,
And concluded the banquet--
'What is the use of repeating all that stuff,' the Mock Cronan
interrupted, 'if you don't explain it as you go on? It's by far the most
confusing thing I ever heard!'
'Yes, I think you'd better leave off,' said the Hole: and Blackhawk was
only too glad to do so given there inability to grasp the multiple levels
in the story.
'Shall we try another figure of the Krab Kwadrille?' the Hole went on. 'Or
would you like the Mock Cronan to sing you a song?'
'Oh, a song, please, if the Mock Cronan would be so kind,' Blackhawk
replied, so eagerly that the Hole said, in a rather offended tone, 'Hm! No
accounting for tastes! Sing her "Turtle Soup," will you, old fellow?'
The Mock Cronan sighed deeply, and began, in a voice sometimes choked with
sobs, to sing this:--
'Beautiful Peep, so grellow and breen,
Waiting in a hot tureen!
Who for such dainties would not dive deep?
Peep of the evening, beautiful Peep!
Peep of the evening, beautiful Peep!
Beau--ootiful Pee--eep!
Beau--ootiful Pee--eep!
Pee--eep of the e--e--evening,
Beautiful, beautiful Peep!
'Beautiful Peep! Who wants to fish,
Revenge, or any other dish?
Who would not give all else for
two pennyworth only of beautiful Peep?
Pennyworth only of beautiful Peep?
Beau--ootiful Pee--eep!
Beau--ootiful Pee--eep!
Pee--eep of the e--e--evening,
Beautiful, beauti--FUL PEEP!'
'Chorus again!' cried the Hole, and the Mock Cronan had just begun to
repeat it, when a cry of 'The trial's beginning!' was heard in the
distance.
'Come on!' cried the Hole, and, taking Blackhawk by the hand, it hurried
off, without waiting for the end of the song.
'What trial is it?' Blackhawk panted as he ran; but the Hole only answered
'Come on!' and ran the faster, while more and more faintly came, carried
on the breeze that followed them, the melancholy words:--
'Pee--eep of the e--e--evening,
Beautiful, beautiful Peep!'
Next chapter: Who Stole the Peeps?
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